Masturdate!

I'm glad that the time has come now that people are embracing their singularity  rather than being in a mad haste to be in relationships. Not so long ago, singularity was looked down upon, it was considered uncool but today single is the new sexy.

You find a lot of them happily flaunting their single status on social media, even the ones who apparently are in relationships!
It's a great time to be alive when people are open to not being defined by someone else and are comfortable in their individuality.

As a teen, I looked forward to that big moment happening when I too joined the bandwagon of relationships. But, more than that, I wanted to have an emotional companionship because during my teenage, I didn't have deep friendships and I was quite lonely.

I thought a relationship would magically overturn my world for good. But slowly I realized that the purpose of a relationship should never be to cover up your personal insecurities. Rather,  one must achieve a certain level of security, and then be in a romantic partnership.

Besides, everything comes with its share of good and bad. It's not always going to be roses and rainbows.

As I grew up to who I am today, my priorities began shifting. Now, a  relationship is not a necessity. It is just something that will happen if and when it has to happen and there is absolutely no hurry or compulsion to be in one.

I have meaningful emotional bonds, I have people I can call up and vent to, I have people with whom I can laugh with, have deep intellectual conversations with or even talk absolute bullshit with. I have people I am sure of having my back. That's everything I can ask for. A romantic relationship will only be the cherry on the cake.

Of course there are certain needs that only a relationship can fulfill. The intimacy is definitely something that is missing in my life and yes I do crave for physical affection especially because I am an extremely physical person. I love being hugged and kissed and even a mere affectionate touch means the world to me. (From the right people ofcourse )

I miss being romantically loved and more than that, I miss giving love!  My need to express love is sometimes greater that my need to  recieve it.

However, leaving that aside, I'm comfortable in my singularity, and I don't look down upon me for my relationship status. I don't feel something is amiss to be single nor do I feel compelled to get into a relationship.

I know my worth and I know I'm a woman of substance and got everything that it takes. The absensce of  a man doesn't affect the way I perceive myself anymore.

We all need to learn to "masturdate"
Okay, don't be startled. It is a slang for taking yourself out for movies, dinners, basically doing things alone, that you'd otherwise do with a partner.. Ahem.

It's basically Being self sufficient.

It is very important to shape our individualities and learn to be comfortable alone,  because it is only when you mend our relationship with ourselves that we can have mature relationships with others.

Love, Harsha.

Demand Respect!

Menstrual untouchability is a thing guys. A very prevalent thing. Inspite of all the progress we have made in every sphere of life, it's downright disgusting that things like these aren't a thing of the past yet.

I haven't been subjected to a lot of  discrimination as I have been living in a nuclear household and even though my mother tried to shove some of her age old ideologies upon me, i never paid heed.

But I remember being subjected to these unjust practices back in my home town. One morning, my maternal uncle was supposed to go to temple, and I was menstruating. Unaware of it, he came and pulled my cheeks.
My aunt, (his wife) disgruntedly pulled him away but it was "too late".

He was visibly upset and gave me a disappointed look. As a 12 year old, the impact it had on me was huge. I remember feeling embarrassed and unsettled and clueless on how to respond to his sudden transition from affection to dismay just because I was on my periods!

Even though I was forced to follow a lot of these regressive practices, I never believed in them. On growing up, I realized that these were highly misogynistic and degrading of women.

I gradually evolved to break every rule in the book when it came to menstrual practices. I have even committed the "heinous sin" of going to a temple while menstruating.

If any religion deems you impure because of a very natural biological process that you're going through, I don't feel the need to follow that religion. I'm sure no God would ever claim his creation impure or worthy of mistreatment in any form. If that is the case, I doubt the credibility of that God.

These practices have a psychological impact on a woman, it affects a women's self worth and dignity.

A lot of women happily follow these practices and encourage others as well to do so because this is what they have been witnessing since childhood and  consider it a normal part of womanhood to ever doubt it.
Changing deep seated mindsets is an utopian task. A lot others are forced to follow lead.

But I'm sure a lot of women like me think otherwise and refuse to bow down to age old backward societal practices.

Chage may not happen in a day, but we can definitely sow a seed by imparting the right knowledge to our fellow girls and boys and also refusing to feed these beliefs.

P. S: I am exhilarated by today's verdict allowing women to enter Sabarimala. Things won't change in a day, but I'm sure  these recent developments will prove beneficial in the larger scheme of things. It is indeed a revolutionary decision towards gender equality.

Love Harsha

Damage

All of us are damaged in varying magnitudes. Many a times we don't know how to deal with the damage and bury it deep within us hoping it to stay dormant there. Even when we don't feel it's existence all the time, it is still very much present. These unresolved damages have a way of resurfacing from time to time and making you go into an abyss of gloom.

We are social animals. We need people. True. I have a bunch of people who have literally saved me from turning into a lunatic. And I'm eternally thankful to the heavens for sending them to me at the right time, to ensure that I kept sane.

On one hand while people can act as  saviors,  on the other hand it is indeed people who can also be perpetrators of deep seated, emotional damage in you. Our own species can save us as well as destroy us. Unfortunately and fortunately I have had both these types of people in my life.

I always stick by the adage, having " no relationship " is better than having a toxic relationship! A lot of people ask me if I don't miss having siblings. My answer is no. Unless the pros outweigh the cons, I really don't miss the idea. The question is not about having siblings,  the question is  about what kind of relationship you share with them. If I have had siblings with whom I had a toxic relationship, I'd rather be happy without it.  But on the contrary if I'd have a healthy relationship with them, I'd welcome the idea of siblingship. Same goes with any sort of relationship in my life. If it's damaging my sense of sanity, I'd rather be without it please!

A lot of times the perpetrators of damage are our own familia. They infuse psychological damage and mask it as love. And the worst,  they're usually convinced that what they're doing is right and it is their duty and all that jazz. I often hear the word,  " all this is for your own good". No!  Darlings, this is doing me no good but fucking me up as a person, sorry to burst that insecurity laden bubble of yours. People almost all the time direct their self hatred towards you in various unhealthy ways and I can't even explain how.

The saying, "sometimes you're just collateral damage in someone else's war against themselves" holds true for me. I feel whatever hassles people have subjected me to are a result of their own unresolved issues with themselves. Their insecurities, their own lack of faith in themselves, them feeling like shit from within.

What do we do when we are faced with people who are damaging us? 
Well I distance myself. But when it is family, well it's a tough nut to crack.

Mind you, most relationships are imperfect and one must adjust and compromise and all that. But what you shouldn't ignore is your mental health. If you're feeling like you'd go crazy around them and that your spirits are being sucked away, then I'd advice you to take a call and be  independent and move out. You can definitely "love" them from a distance.

Surround yourself with healthy minded, mature,  good beings who constantly manure your grown and not nip it in the bud. All of us are not blessed with the best relationships. But the catch is in looking out for and making the ones that you aren't born with. There are definitely a lot of wonderful people around probably in search of someone just like you.
So don't lose hope.
And don't tolerate any form of shit, from ANYONE!

Love, Harsha.

The Experiential Pants

Happiness derived from anything material is extremely shallow. It is like cotton candy, that melts into nothing even before you've savoured enough of it. Materialistically derived pleasure has a shelf life,an expiration date; a very short one at that.

I buy a tee, and be happy for a day.. I buy a pair of sneakers and be happy for a week, I buy a car and be happy for a few months. But that's all about it. Beyond that, these things hold no relevance to me at all.

True happiness is derived from the experiences that you undergo, the memories you make, the heartwarming bonds you contrive with people.

I nostalgically reminisce the times I set out travelling, the excitement of discovering the unseen, the encounters I had on the way. I don't remember the clothes I wore or the accessories that adorned me at any point in time. I only remember the moments I created.
The experiences that travel offer are beyond compare and worth every single penny.

I also fondly recall the beautiful bonds I created with people. The bliss of discovering a true connection, the feeling of being in love, the soulful friendships, the rich conversations, the mushy yet sincere expressions of affection, the fights, the umpteen reconcillations. These manage to automatically put a smile on my face everytime.

I don't know if this is a beginning of a new awakening or just a phase, but I'm truly becoming more of a spiritual person and I'm totally loving it. I think one particular incident sparked off a change in me. Let me recount it to you.

The other day,  I went to Miramar beach along with my parents. Suddenly the electricity went. We were left with nothing but darkness around and some stars in the sky. I decided to lay down on the sand watching the stars  as the cool sea breeze brushed past me.

Soon my dad followed lead. We engaged in some rich  conversations and some richer silences  as we lay looking upon the sky. There was a strange sense of calm, a feeling of absolute content. I would have loved to have that moment frozen for eternity had I a chance.

Suddenly It dawned upon me  that this is what matters at the end of the day, these happy conversations, the times we spend in the company of each other, are what I'm going to cherish for a lifetime and take to grave. You see,  it is the little things that give the greatest happiness.

This very awakening transformed my unquenchable obsession of owning 'stuffs' and shifted my focus to owning experiences. I had turned into a true blue materialist being swayed by the thought of shopping and ending up buying things I won't even use after a point. None of these clothes made me feel any better about myself, until I realised maybe I should just chuck this superficial way of gratification.

With all the social media apps floating around, it isn't difficult to drown in the malaise of materialism. I too have been a victim of hoarding 'things' until now. And life has never gotten better I tell you.

So I'd say, let go of your ostentations and put on your experiential pants. Be a hoarder of experiences.

It isn't what you look from the outside, but what you feel from within that truly matters. So whilst you spend all the money on decorating your exterior self, be sure you aren't barren from within. Make it a point to  nurture our inner being coz that's all what will be left when all else is gone.

Love, Harsha 

Notebook

There are some films you love,  some that you hate and some others that you Initially hate and later become crazy about. Notebook is one such movie. The first time I watched it, I was barely a teenager. I was told by a friend that it was a highly NSFW kinda movie that talks about periods and pregnancy. I was curious.

I remember watching it in a hush hush manner on TV alternating between channels to not get caught in the act of watching it by mom.
I too found it NSFW.  But on entering my teens I ended up watching it a couple more times and went on to realize that this was one of the most superior movies made at that time.

Today I watched it again. Even though I was watching a film that I had watched umpteen number of times, I still found it as engaging as ever. I watched it with an all new understanding. You see, you aren't the same person and as the person you're keeps changing, so does your perspective. The person watching it has changed a great deal and therefore the movie also has undergone a metamorphosis.

This movie was made way ahead of its time. 2006 was too early a time for the audience to be fed with something like teenage pregnancy. They weren't prepared for something like this. Quite expectedly this film earned a lot of brickbats upon it's release, but later went on to be a cult classic. This film holds relevance even today and it will be relevant at every point in time.

Kudos to director Roshan Andrews for having chosen this subject at that point in time when people were uncomfortable on hearing the 'p' word (oh they still are...aren't they? ) and also not being judgemental or preachy about teenage pregnancy.

Gopi Sundar's bgm gave new depths and meaning to this film. This film would never be the same without it's bgm. Also cheers to Mejo Joseph for the love anthem for decades to come. Hridayavum is an evergreen song. It rings in every young malayali's head and is as fresh as it was when it came out 12 years ago.

Lawrence school serves as the perfect backdrop and it elevated the movie to an all new level, giving it a classy hollywoodish flavour. Lawrence school is as important a character as the trio of Sree, Sarah and Pooja.

Roma was superb as Sarah and the most likable of the trio. Quite expectedly Roma went on to be a popular actress for a few years. But there was someone else who seemed to be overshadowed by Roma's performance, the least liked in the trio, she was the one who played the betrayer. One who wasn't really given the space to perform. She seemed to be just another girl. Little did anyone think that she'd one day be one of the biggest superstars of malayalam film industry! One who'd bring about a revolution, one who'd change how people saw female actors. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, give it up for none other than Parvathy Thiruvoth Kottuvatta!

This was the first time I watched this movie after she rose to this level and after I became this huge fan of her way of life. I had all eyes for her today. The way she has evolved is magnificent. From someone nobody gave a second thought about,to someone who created a furrore in the malayalam film industry, this woman has come a long way.

So all in all, I love this film for many reasons. One, for trying to destigmatize periods,  second for not being preachy about teenage pregnancy, and yet giving out a strong message to teens and parents alike, third, for giving some warm moments of true friendship.

Teenagehood

Awkward teenage phase?  Teenage and awkward are almost used synonymously. I think for most of us it's a phase you'd never want to go back to. At least for me, I'd trade anything in the world to not go back to that dark phase. It has been rough to put it very mildly. I think my terror begun at 13/14 and lasted till 18/19.  From 18, my healing process began.

There was a lot of turbulence going on, a lot of stuff I didn't know how to handle, all of it primarily in my head. There was nothing wrong with my life externally. I had everything going in my favour externally. But internally it felt like I was stuck in a black hole with no escape.

I was exremely conscious about what others thought about me. I was at odds with my own self. Self acceptance was a far fetched concept for me and I felt like shit the whole time. I was confused between accepting myself and changing myself. I wanted to be more social, more interesting, more chatty, more pretty. I also wanted to accept myself for what I was. Confusing Eh?

I don't recall a single day in those days when i was happy. Every achievement, every appreciation that came my way was overshadowed by this extreme sense of despair. Nothing felt good. Absolutely nothing.

I remember going on a Bangalore trip that time. All through the journey I was feeling like shit. It seemed like there was absolutely no escape.

However by the end of teenage, things changed for good.

The environment changed, the people in my life changed and thus my attitude about myself and life started changing.

I think having the right kind of people in life is very important. I had a serious deficiciency of people who actually cared about me all throughout my teens. I had no-one that I shared a close emotional connection with. I have alwas been a sucker for emotional bonds in any relationships. I yearn for it.

Another reason was the unrealistic standards and expectations  I had from myself and the people around and from life in general. Perfectionism was what I seeked.

Now I realize, life is no feature film with drama and punch dialogues. Life is more of a reality show. Most days are mundane and simple and one needs to find happiness in that simplicity.

Thankfully I have come out of the ordeal or am in the process of coming out gradually. It has been a wonderful journey of evolution so far. I feel nothing but pride in myself for the storms that I have fought and endured. Looking back it all gives a sense of accomplishment, much more than any academic achievement would give.

So for enders, I'd like to say that no matter what you're going through at the moment,  persist. Keep going. Don't give up. Seek help if you need to. Don't shy away from voicing your feelings. There are plenty to offer help. You just need to seek for it.

Life can be tough.. But so are you my friend!

Love,
Harsha.

Change is good.

Change is terrifying isn't it?  It is so much easier to go with the comfortable flow of mundanity right?  Well, I beg to differ. Over the years I have come to realize that one moment of insane courage to bring about a change in your life can result in what can be a hugely rewarding experience later.

A few years back, I remember persisting in a course I wasn't meant for. I waited until things got better but it never did. I had unquestionable faith in my abilities, that i'd pick myself up and triumph. But somethings are just beyond you and the sooner you accept that, the more peace you will have.

Another reason I persisted in the course was because of my friends. Switching streams meant going to an entirely unfamiliar environment and the effort of making new friends was just too much.  Me who was increasingly coiling into a shell at that point wasn't emotionally ready for it. I wanted that illusionary comfort of familiarity.

But, by the end of two years and countless brickbats later, I had enough and I dropped the course for good. I faced exactly what I feared all the while. CHANGE! 

But, surprise! surprise!
My fear of not making new friends was replaced by the reality of me making one of the most amazing friendships of my life at that place.

She turned out to be my guardian angel, someone who lifted me up from the throngs of depression. Her presence reassured me but at the same time, her absence( she was away for 6 months)  empowered me to realize that I am enough and I can very well be self sufficient.

Cut to my current college. Again, this was  very new. But I was not as fearful.  But again, in that small crowd of 10, I found my person. We aren't the typical clingy friends, we are the mature independent damsels who have a lot in common and therefore click.

So the point is that, follow your heart. Every moment of staying somewhere you don't belong to, is a total waste. So leave as soon as you have that realization.

Second, you are going to find your tribe wherever you go.  There will always be that person, who will make life a little more easier. So don't give up on your calling because it means losing someone or something familiar. You never know who you might find on your new road.

Third, be self sufficient. Don't be over- clingy. Have your own life, do your own thing and don't depend on anyone for satisfying your needs. Learn to be happy alone and that is how you have mature, healthy relationships.

Love,
Harsha 💋