Teenagehood

Awkward teenage phase?  Teenage and awkward are almost used synonymously. I think for most of us it's a phase you'd never want to go back to. At least for me, I'd trade anything in the world to not go back to that dark phase. It has been rough to put it very mildly. I think my terror begun at 13/14 and lasted till 18/19.  From 18, my healing process began.

There was a lot of turbulence going on, a lot of stuff I didn't know how to handle, all of it primarily in my head. There was nothing wrong with my life externally. I had everything going in my favour externally. But internally it felt like I was stuck in a black hole with no escape.

I was exremely conscious about what others thought about me. I was at odds with my own self. Self acceptance was a far fetched concept for me and I felt like shit the whole time. I was confused between accepting myself and changing myself. I wanted to be more social, more interesting, more chatty, more pretty. I also wanted to accept myself for what I was. Confusing Eh?

I don't recall a single day in those days when i was happy. Every achievement, every appreciation that came my way was overshadowed by this extreme sense of despair. Nothing felt good. Absolutely nothing.

I remember going on a Bangalore trip that time. All through the journey I was feeling like shit. It seemed like there was absolutely no escape.

However by the end of teenage, things changed for good.

The environment changed, the people in my life changed and thus my attitude about myself and life started changing.

I think having the right kind of people in life is very important. I had a serious deficiciency of people who actually cared about me all throughout my teens. I had no-one that I shared a close emotional connection with. I have alwas been a sucker for emotional bonds in any relationships. I yearn for it.

Another reason was the unrealistic standards and expectations  I had from myself and the people around and from life in general. Perfectionism was what I seeked.

Now I realize, life is no feature film with drama and punch dialogues. Life is more of a reality show. Most days are mundane and simple and one needs to find happiness in that simplicity.

Thankfully I have come out of the ordeal or am in the process of coming out gradually. It has been a wonderful journey of evolution so far. I feel nothing but pride in myself for the storms that I have fought and endured. Looking back it all gives a sense of accomplishment, much more than any academic achievement would give.

So for enders, I'd like to say that no matter what you're going through at the moment,  persist. Keep going. Don't give up. Seek help if you need to. Don't shy away from voicing your feelings. There are plenty to offer help. You just need to seek for it.

Life can be tough.. But so are you my friend!

Love,
Harsha.