Notebook

There are some films you love,  some that you hate and some others that you Initially hate and later become crazy about. Notebook is one such movie. The first time I watched it, I was barely a teenager. I was told by a friend that it was a highly NSFW kinda movie that talks about periods and pregnancy. I was curious.

I remember watching it in a hush hush manner on TV alternating between channels to not get caught in the act of watching it by mom.
I too found it NSFW.  But on entering my teens I ended up watching it a couple more times and went on to realize that this was one of the most superior movies made at that time.

Today I watched it again. Even though I was watching a film that I had watched umpteen number of times, I still found it as engaging as ever. I watched it with an all new understanding. You see, you aren't the same person and as the person you're keeps changing, so does your perspective. The person watching it has changed a great deal and therefore the movie also has undergone a metamorphosis.

This movie was made way ahead of its time. 2006 was too early a time for the audience to be fed with something like teenage pregnancy. They weren't prepared for something like this. Quite expectedly this film earned a lot of brickbats upon it's release, but later went on to be a cult classic. This film holds relevance even today and it will be relevant at every point in time.

Kudos to director Roshan Andrews for having chosen this subject at that point in time when people were uncomfortable on hearing the 'p' word (oh they still are...aren't they? ) and also not being judgemental or preachy about teenage pregnancy.

Gopi Sundar's bgm gave new depths and meaning to this film. This film would never be the same without it's bgm. Also cheers to Mejo Joseph for the love anthem for decades to come. Hridayavum is an evergreen song. It rings in every young malayali's head and is as fresh as it was when it came out 12 years ago.

Lawrence school serves as the perfect backdrop and it elevated the movie to an all new level, giving it a classy hollywoodish flavour. Lawrence school is as important a character as the trio of Sree, Sarah and Pooja.

Roma was superb as Sarah and the most likable of the trio. Quite expectedly Roma went on to be a popular actress for a few years. But there was someone else who seemed to be overshadowed by Roma's performance, the least liked in the trio, she was the one who played the betrayer. One who wasn't really given the space to perform. She seemed to be just another girl. Little did anyone think that she'd one day be one of the biggest superstars of malayalam film industry! One who'd bring about a revolution, one who'd change how people saw female actors. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, give it up for none other than Parvathy Thiruvoth Kottuvatta!

This was the first time I watched this movie after she rose to this level and after I became this huge fan of her way of life. I had all eyes for her today. The way she has evolved is magnificent. From someone nobody gave a second thought about,to someone who created a furrore in the malayalam film industry, this woman has come a long way.

So all in all, I love this film for many reasons. One, for trying to destigmatize periods,  second for not being preachy about teenage pregnancy, and yet giving out a strong message to teens and parents alike, third, for giving some warm moments of true friendship.

Teenagehood

Awkward teenage phase?  Teenage and awkward are almost used synonymously. I think for most of us it's a phase you'd never want to go back to. At least for me, I'd trade anything in the world to not go back to that dark phase. It has been rough to put it very mildly. I think my terror begun at 13/14 and lasted till 18/19.  From 18, my healing process began.

There was a lot of turbulence going on, a lot of stuff I didn't know how to handle, all of it primarily in my head. There was nothing wrong with my life externally. I had everything going in my favour externally. But internally it felt like I was stuck in a black hole with no escape.

I was exremely conscious about what others thought about me. I was at odds with my own self. Self acceptance was a far fetched concept for me and I felt like shit the whole time. I was confused between accepting myself and changing myself. I wanted to be more social, more interesting, more chatty, more pretty. I also wanted to accept myself for what I was. Confusing Eh?

I don't recall a single day in those days when i was happy. Every achievement, every appreciation that came my way was overshadowed by this extreme sense of despair. Nothing felt good. Absolutely nothing.

I remember going on a Bangalore trip that time. All through the journey I was feeling like shit. It seemed like there was absolutely no escape.

However by the end of teenage, things changed for good.

The environment changed, the people in my life changed and thus my attitude about myself and life started changing.

I think having the right kind of people in life is very important. I had a serious deficiciency of people who actually cared about me all throughout my teens. I had no-one that I shared a close emotional connection with. I have alwas been a sucker for emotional bonds in any relationships. I yearn for it.

Another reason was the unrealistic standards and expectations  I had from myself and the people around and from life in general. Perfectionism was what I seeked.

Now I realize, life is no feature film with drama and punch dialogues. Life is more of a reality show. Most days are mundane and simple and one needs to find happiness in that simplicity.

Thankfully I have come out of the ordeal or am in the process of coming out gradually. It has been a wonderful journey of evolution so far. I feel nothing but pride in myself for the storms that I have fought and endured. Looking back it all gives a sense of accomplishment, much more than any academic achievement would give.

So for enders, I'd like to say that no matter what you're going through at the moment,  persist. Keep going. Don't give up. Seek help if you need to. Don't shy away from voicing your feelings. There are plenty to offer help. You just need to seek for it.

Life can be tough.. But so are you my friend!

Love,
Harsha.

Change is good.

Change is terrifying isn't it?  It is so much easier to go with the comfortable flow of mundanity right?  Well, I beg to differ. Over the years I have come to realize that one moment of insane courage to bring about a change in your life can result in what can be a hugely rewarding experience later.

A few years back, I remember persisting in a course I wasn't meant for. I waited until things got better but it never did. I had unquestionable faith in my abilities, that i'd pick myself up and triumph. But somethings are just beyond you and the sooner you accept that, the more peace you will have.

Another reason I persisted in the course was because of my friends. Switching streams meant going to an entirely unfamiliar environment and the effort of making new friends was just too much.  Me who was increasingly coiling into a shell at that point wasn't emotionally ready for it. I wanted that illusionary comfort of familiarity.

But, by the end of two years and countless brickbats later, I had enough and I dropped the course for good. I faced exactly what I feared all the while. CHANGE! 

But, surprise! surprise!
My fear of not making new friends was replaced by the reality of me making one of the most amazing friendships of my life at that place.

She turned out to be my guardian angel, someone who lifted me up from the throngs of depression. Her presence reassured me but at the same time, her absence( she was away for 6 months)  empowered me to realize that I am enough and I can very well be self sufficient.

Cut to my current college. Again, this was  very new. But I was not as fearful.  But again, in that small crowd of 10, I found my person. We aren't the typical clingy friends, we are the mature independent damsels who have a lot in common and therefore click.

So the point is that, follow your heart. Every moment of staying somewhere you don't belong to, is a total waste. So leave as soon as you have that realization.

Second, you are going to find your tribe wherever you go.  There will always be that person, who will make life a little more easier. So don't give up on your calling because it means losing someone or something familiar. You never know who you might find on your new road.

Third, be self sufficient. Don't be over- clingy. Have your own life, do your own thing and don't depend on anyone for satisfying your needs. Learn to be happy alone and that is how you have mature, healthy relationships.

Love,
Harsha 💋

The Haircut

Wohoooooooooooo! I cut down my tresses a few days back. Its the shortest hairdo i have sported since i left preschool. Everybody including the stylist was a bit skeptical about the whole idea. But i was not the one to budge or get swayed by popular opinions( i usually do) but this time i decided to pay no heed and go forward with it. I wanted to go for a pixie cut, aka  boy cut in lay person's terms. However, i decided to ease it down a bit and go for a bob instead. I didn't want to jump into something that drastic and wanted to take it slow. So for starters i have settled for a bob, but of course pixie is in the pipeline.

The outcome was rather positive! I got great feedback from my circle. I was a bit worried about how my parents would react as they never really gave me a green signal to go ahead, but to my surprise they said nothing! And that means that it has turned out rather well, infact great. :D

Poople also went gaga over my 'balls' to actually come to do it. I was never a fan of long hair and never considered it a big deal to chop it off.

 So it is nothing 'ballsy' in my opinion. And it always grows back! So what is the fuss all about?

A lot of us give up on our desires small and big, to fit into the societal conventions. But the people who gather up the balls/pussy ( patriarchy be damned!) to defy conventions and do what they love are the ones who truly win at life. Cheers to all you rule breakers! 

Love, Harsha