My best friend lost her parents to a car crash a few months back. They were in Delhi for a tour and were on their way to see the Taj. It was May 2nd and I was gearing up for my first day at work. At around 7 am, I get a call from my friend, who was in Goa saying that the car in which her parents and sisters were traveling met with an accident. Her voice is shaking and she is quite evidently crying. I console her saying that it might be a minor accident and tell her to be brave. At work, I get a text from her saying that her parents are no more!
I'm dumbstruck! I have no clue how to react. Never in my life have I encountered a situation like this. I and she have only shared happy times together. I had no courage to face her in a situation like this. But nevertheless, I immediately call her up, but quite expectantly, words betray me.
What does one say to somebody who has lost her parents? Do you console them? But, what in the world can console somebody who has been entrenched in a tragedy like this? I have always been a person of few words, and especially in uncomfortable situations like this, I go blank.
I tell her that I will be there in no time. She calls me up time and again asking me to come soon. As soon as I see her, I wrap her in an embrace and both of us are overcome by tears. I have no courage to make conversation. My parents do all the talking, asking about the eerie details of the mishap to her brother as I sit beside her, holding her hands. She was flooded with visitors and calls and messages and I see her recounting every minute detail of what happened for the nth time. Pretty insensitive of people to ask, but I realize that no-one quite knows what to say and therefore asks the usual to fill the uncomfortable silence.
When the visitors leave and we're alone in the room, we share moments of silence. pretty unusual for both of us. Then she begins to talk. She goes on and I listen, I look deeply into her eyes, assuring her that I'm listening. She talks about the mishap, about the trip, about her mom, about the last time she called. I listen intently, shaking my head, holding her hands in silence. She longingly stares at their pictures.
At that moment, something strikes me. I realize that there is absolutely NOTHING one could say that could help contain the grief of the loss of the most important people in your life. All that you could do is make them feel that they aren't ALONE and that you are there to hold their hands as they go through this. I did exactly that.
We were staying at her distant relative's place. We are having lunch. I observe how the owner of the house speaks to her. She is talking very practical things like insurance and the future and asking very practical questions and talking very casually, unlike others who were showing sympathy and being melancholic. I observe that my friend is responding very positively to that. I decide to take that route of conversation.
From then on, we speak the most casual things, like on any other day, and I observe that for the time being, this is the best way to deal with what has transpired.
I accompany her to her hometown for the final rites. We reach the day before the funeral. I be beside her throughout. Sometimes silently holding her and at other times, letting her vent. I let her be herself, rather than directing her on how to process her grief. I see a lot of well-meaning people talking absolutely insensitive things, like ''don't cry". '' You need to be strong", ''If you break down, what will be the plight of your siblings''?. I feel irritated and I can sense her irritation too. She has lost her parents for heaven's sake, and she has all the right to cry, break down and choose how she wants to deal with it.
I see her being stoic and showing no emotion and whisper saying that it's okay if she wants to let loose and cry and that she doesn't really have to forcibly hold it all in.
Now, it has been almost a year since the fateful day. She is coping well and being an exemplar of resilience! My admiration for her has skyrocketed.
Even today, she calls me up and says how I was never just a fair-weather friend and was being the ultimate sukh-dukh ke saathi. I too feel a sense of satisfaction that I did what I could for her at that time, which was gifting my presence, being a shoulder to cry on, letting her be herself and giving her the freedom to process her emotions the way she wants.
She doesn't recall any of the words that were spoken to her by people as she considered them empty and superficial, but she remembers that I was beside her every step of the way, all throughout, silently, making a bigger impact than what a million words could!
I'm sure, a lot of people have experienced what I went through. Not knowing what to speak in the face of a tragedy. I advise, that unless you know that you're saying the right thing, it is okay to show your care through silent gestures. But it isn't okay to throw around insensitive statements like,
'' Don't cry'', or ''It's Okay'' just because the silence is getting uncomfortable and you need to utter something.
Silences are awkward, but silence is better than empty words any day!
I'm dumbstruck! I have no clue how to react. Never in my life have I encountered a situation like this. I and she have only shared happy times together. I had no courage to face her in a situation like this. But nevertheless, I immediately call her up, but quite expectantly, words betray me.
What does one say to somebody who has lost her parents? Do you console them? But, what in the world can console somebody who has been entrenched in a tragedy like this? I have always been a person of few words, and especially in uncomfortable situations like this, I go blank.
I tell her that I will be there in no time. She calls me up time and again asking me to come soon. As soon as I see her, I wrap her in an embrace and both of us are overcome by tears. I have no courage to make conversation. My parents do all the talking, asking about the eerie details of the mishap to her brother as I sit beside her, holding her hands. She was flooded with visitors and calls and messages and I see her recounting every minute detail of what happened for the nth time. Pretty insensitive of people to ask, but I realize that no-one quite knows what to say and therefore asks the usual to fill the uncomfortable silence.
When the visitors leave and we're alone in the room, we share moments of silence. pretty unusual for both of us. Then she begins to talk. She goes on and I listen, I look deeply into her eyes, assuring her that I'm listening. She talks about the mishap, about the trip, about her mom, about the last time she called. I listen intently, shaking my head, holding her hands in silence. She longingly stares at their pictures.
At that moment, something strikes me. I realize that there is absolutely NOTHING one could say that could help contain the grief of the loss of the most important people in your life. All that you could do is make them feel that they aren't ALONE and that you are there to hold their hands as they go through this. I did exactly that.
We were staying at her distant relative's place. We are having lunch. I observe how the owner of the house speaks to her. She is talking very practical things like insurance and the future and asking very practical questions and talking very casually, unlike others who were showing sympathy and being melancholic. I observe that my friend is responding very positively to that. I decide to take that route of conversation.
From then on, we speak the most casual things, like on any other day, and I observe that for the time being, this is the best way to deal with what has transpired.
I accompany her to her hometown for the final rites. We reach the day before the funeral. I be beside her throughout. Sometimes silently holding her and at other times, letting her vent. I let her be herself, rather than directing her on how to process her grief. I see a lot of well-meaning people talking absolutely insensitive things, like ''don't cry". '' You need to be strong", ''If you break down, what will be the plight of your siblings''?. I feel irritated and I can sense her irritation too. She has lost her parents for heaven's sake, and she has all the right to cry, break down and choose how she wants to deal with it.
I see her being stoic and showing no emotion and whisper saying that it's okay if she wants to let loose and cry and that she doesn't really have to forcibly hold it all in.
Now, it has been almost a year since the fateful day. She is coping well and being an exemplar of resilience! My admiration for her has skyrocketed.
Even today, she calls me up and says how I was never just a fair-weather friend and was being the ultimate sukh-dukh ke saathi. I too feel a sense of satisfaction that I did what I could for her at that time, which was gifting my presence, being a shoulder to cry on, letting her be herself and giving her the freedom to process her emotions the way she wants.
She doesn't recall any of the words that were spoken to her by people as she considered them empty and superficial, but she remembers that I was beside her every step of the way, all throughout, silently, making a bigger impact than what a million words could!
I'm sure, a lot of people have experienced what I went through. Not knowing what to speak in the face of a tragedy. I advise, that unless you know that you're saying the right thing, it is okay to show your care through silent gestures. But it isn't okay to throw around insensitive statements like,
'' Don't cry'', or ''It's Okay'' just because the silence is getting uncomfortable and you need to utter something.
Silences are awkward, but silence is better than empty words any day!
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